So, here I find myself yet again, in the wee hours of the morning(it's 4:08 am) unable to feel any inner peace. I'm nearly done with the last season of 24 and, as usual, things keep happening that are completely crazy that damn near require me to continue riding that train. I've taken a break because my guts are twisting. Twisting, yet again, because of news I received earlier this week(it's a Saturday now). The news was about my ex. A girl I'd cut completely out of my life because of the betrayal...
She cheated on me. So, even though she wanted to stay friends, I'd have nothing of it. Trust, from my best friend and would-be wife(I was gearing up to propose to her) was lost completely. So, in my mind, she doesn't deserve to be a part of my life. I'd pretty much succeeded in removing her, which wasn't too difficult, to be honest, since she didn't live near me. Just some internet removal/blocking and then the long, arduous healing process with a little(who am I kidding, a lot of) help from my friends and family.
She was bad for me. Mostly because of her emotional unavailability. We weren't a match. However, she's apparently found hers. The news I received, from a friend who kept her as a friend on facebook, was that she's engaged.
I'm still trying to figure out exactly why I got so completely broken up over the idea. I think part of it is that she's completely recovered from me not being in her life at all. That I'm nothing but some bad memories(maybe some good ones but I doubt it). Just some ex-boyfriend. That's all.
I've been reduced. I don't like that. It doesn't sit well with me. Especially since my whole world shattered back in 2009. Then again about the same time in 2010, to the point that I hit the bottom, where I've been for a bit. That second dismal plummet was due to my inaction with a different female. And that's okay. I'm fine. I think.
I made that ex such a huge part of my mind, though. She still continues to crop up whenever I see a year mark on a movie, whenever I see anything in black and white, whenever I think about or see certain restaurants...
I'm dumb. That's basically it. I should be totally over this. I didn't want her back. I feel like she owes me, though. I don't know what, exactly, and if she showed up to give me anything, I'd refuse it and do my best to ignore her. And I think what I feel I'm owed is impossible to give unless you're truly, deeply emotionally involved with someone. And now I'm just some guy.
This is all one-sided, I know, I'm just getting it all out. No one reads this anyway.
I suppose it's Closure. Some form of closure I'm missing. Things ended while I was here, in Kansas, and she was in Arizona. No face to face goodbye. No confirmation that, while I may still find her physically pretty, I'm no longer attracted to her because of how broken as a human being she was. Must have been. Or, maybe, it was all me, eh? I'm no picnic. All of my friends, all the time, have these...
Reactions.
To things I say, complain about, share my opinion on, state an observation for...
And even though everyone wonders what the hell is going on inside my head(and occasionally wants to bash it open) they all still love me. Even people I don't know that well, that I speak to seldomly, seem to think I'm worth a thing or two.
An idea I'll admit I've almost completely lost sight of.
Everyone is making progress around me.
I'm not. I'm still. I needed some kind of Stasis Chamber to allow my mind to go over everything and recover while I didn't age. The problem is that I'm getting older and, because of that, it's getting harder to start moving again.
I have NO IDEA what to watch on TV while I'm doing this. Friday the 13th, the TV show, is not good background material. It reminds me of lonely nights. Which, uh, I guess is what tonight was so why bother with memories when I'm living them, eh? Haha! What the hell?
A suggests that alcohol might make me happy even though I'm not open to it. "A" is a person I know. He might read this. I like trying to be obscure, though. In fact, being obscure and contrary are my nature.
Part of the problem.
Part of the flavor.
Good and Bad.
I need to grow. That's what I have to do. I need to accomplish my goals. I'll start small. I'll get ambitious again. Then I'll slay the dragon.
I always envisioned that I'd have a partner to run through life with. It doesn't work that way. Probably part of why I'm always desperate to play Co-Op games with a buddy.
My heart hurts right now. I think that's mostly the Jalapeno Ranch Chipins and Mountain Dew Game Fuel. what the fuck am I doing eating that at 4 AM? Oh, right, I'm depressed, awake, unfulfilled...
A possibility I don't want is closed off to me. I hate it when possibilities are erased. Somewhat recently something I thought was completely impossible, well, wasn't. After a fashion. Reminding me that anything can happen(long story there, you won't get to read it, unfortunately).
Except when it comes to Me trying to win a girl's heart. That I seem incapable of when it counts. When I put so much weight, value and... That whole "eggs in one basket" thing. Further proof that I'm a fool. But at least on these tortured nights I know that I have passion.
I would have made a great Goth kid. I guess that would be classified as an "emo shit" these days. I'm out of touch, out of sync, anachronous.
I'm rambling.
I sigh a lot while I write these things out. While my brain tries to puke all it can out through my fingers. When I feel helpless.
So, am I a hopeless romantic?
A buddy of mine recently said "I think we're the kind of guys who'll just never get married." At this age, considering what I'm like and how I am, I wonder if he's at least right about me. He's also stated that he'd LOVE to see the girl that ends up marrying me since she'll be some kind of trip herself, if she matches me at all.
I used to joke, and this is an old joke, that if there's one person out there that's meant for everyone that mine died in a car accident when she was 12.
But I know better.
At least I think I do...
Some part of me can't be kept down. I have to reach deeper than I used to whenever I want to remember that, but it's there. That hope. I was holding onto it earlier, while I brushed my teeth and showered and was jamming around to The Lillingtons. Specifically to a song about needing some brain damage. No song speaks to me more, I think, than that one on that whole BADASS cd. But I felt good. I felt creative. I felt better. At least I know I'm healing fast from whatever kind of wound that information created(or re-opened). Fack. This is supposed to be my fun blog.
Time to watch the last four episodes of 24. Maybe all in a row right now. Maybe one and then some sleep.
I don't know.
I don't know a lot.
I need to change that. For myself. Keep the past in the past. Keep news that doesn't impact my life any way whatsoever from having any impact.
It's hard and I'm trying.
I added one comma and one parenthetical statement to this post but I'm quitting with the fixes now. I'll just publish.
